No advice. Just rambling.
The past couple of weeks have been a different kind of challenging for me. I haven't exactly lived to the expectation of The Twenty-Something Survival Guide lately. Side note: to be fair, I never did do it justice. I gave advice to you here and shared certain experiences in my life, all the while I was not in my right frame of mind. But to summarize (mostly because I can't formulate enough words anymore), I've reached a dead end.
If you ever read a psychology journal, which you probably never will so I'll tell you right now, they describe depression as "a persistent feeling of sadness." So much so that doing day-to-day things is such a daunting task. Eventually, there comes a time when you've lost interest in just about everything. And I mean, EVERYTHING. Professionals have gone through the time-consuming labor of monitoring neurological patterns to bring mental diseases such as this down to a science, all so that they can slap it on piece of paper, throw it in a textbook, and prove that it isn't a "feeling" but rather an imbalance of hormones. Not enough serotonin, if you will. It's numbers and letters and formulas that apparently can be cured by popping a couple of pills. And so this begs the question -- is there anything deeper than that?
Which brings me to my position now. Utterly defeated. Empty. Hollow. A physical being with no mental or emotional capacity. More than just loss of interest. More than loneliness. More than sadness or heartache or pain. I'm here, but I'm not here. I'm numb and unresponsive to my surroundings. I'm way past tired. And I've never felt such desperation to... Well, I've reached a dead end.
I don't know how many people still read this. Or how many people care to react to this. I don't even know why I decided to put this out into the world, but it's here for whomever dares to read. I'm not expecting advice. I simply wanted to let it out and this seemed like the place to do it. I could've just made a huge mistake by doing so, but at this point, at least I did something. Anyway, maybe next time we meet, should there be one, things will be different. But for now, peace out.